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CLOWN SHOES

Clown Shoes

What’s with these ridiculous plastic clown shoes that people are wearing these days? ‘Crocks’ I think they’re called – and what an apt name. Do the people wearing them think they are cool? They are not. They look shit and make the people wearing them look like fucking retards. Buy some trainers you fucks.


gig reviews

THE PITCH AND PUTT ARCHIVE – GIG REVIEWS

Zutons live Brixton Academy 22 March 2005

When Dave 'Zuton' told the audience to 'shut up' quickly apologising and explaining his worries - this was the largest gig the Zutons had ever done and furthermore they were about to play a song they had only done live twice - he needn't have worried. From the moment the Zutons took the stage the entire crowd had come down with a serious case of Zuton fever.


The Brixton crowd greeted every single track with shouting, applauding and chanting 'Zutons' as the band looked on in happy amazement. The crowd's energy was reciprocated by a powerful performance of lushly crafted uplifting pop songs. Like most Liverpool bands, the Zutons owe a huge debt to the 60's, it's like the decade never really ended in Liverpool, probably as the shadow of The Beatles still casts long over the city. In look, with their big hair and lead guitarist's scouse 'tash the Zutons fit the mould perfectly. But the real nod to the 60's is in the beautiful and powerful harmonies, almost always 3 part and in some places the whole band performed 5 piece harmonies creating a Spector-esque wall of sound.


The only hitch in what must have been a dream evening for your largest ever gig, was a nice one, brought on by the crowds sudden rendition of 'de, de de, de de, de de der,' the start to 'don't ever think (too much)' The response by the bass player was 'we're on it' and the band joined in with the crowd to take the roof off the place. This was one of many sing-a-long moments throughout the night as breaks in choruses were filled in by the ever eager crowd.


The Zutons returned to a much demanded encore after what was possibly a quick discussion of what to actually play, and responded with what resembled a hastily put together jam session. No one minded though at this stage, they could have come on and done pretty much anything but any wrong. All that was left was to introduce the band, you know it's going well when rock clichés look cool, and finally take a bow.


With that they were gone, the crowd left into the night and Brixton tube station took it's turn for another mass rendition of the start to 'don't ever think (too much)'

Not to be missed.


Paul Burke

Half Man Half Biscuit Thurs 19/02/2004 Boardwalk, Sheffield

It's a "sell out". The people here are together in their aim to hear what they have to offer. All assembled because word of mouth has spread like wild-fire across Dee-Dah land. NME? Zoo? Women expecting help on a Thursday? Bollox! This is Half Man Half Biscuit and the masses await with baited breath. If you don't know who they, then you will carry on not knowing but for the rest of us, this is seminal. Within 10 minutes we learn that the bear (Jack Nicklaus) is not a care bear, Fred Titmus (fuckin' 'ell) is 'down the local store' and an old fella has asked them 'if music be the food of love are they the indigestion'. Between each song a large proportion of the mosh pit are demanding to 'know what did God give us Neil?' They never got to find out but asked faithfully nevertheless.
There was only 1 reason to be there and that was to experience music/entertainment of the highest order from the one of the UK's best kept secrets. I could bullet point each song they played in their unbroken 1 hour 50 minute set, but what would be the point? When Half Man Half Biscuit are in town performance is everything and the mosh-pit directly in front of the stage showed how these guys will invoke huge passion until the end of time itself. Patrons everywhere with T-shirts indicating the motorway junction to Half Man Half Biscuit is 1 mile ahead, Dukla Prague away kits (and Tranmere Rovers home tops) and how Mersey Rail allegedly stinks of shit.
Everyone knew all the words including times where lines were messed up only to be completed by the crowd. This included everyone 'belting out the broadside' of the visit of singer out of Slipknot to Rome to see the Pope. Apparently it was the 'Brit' awards on Monday where Then Jericho won 3 prizes as the band of the future. Should they still be playing to packed houses with a mosh-pit and the crowd all singing every word 20 years from now, then I will admit I was wrong about everything. In the event of that happening I would also see Kylie's discography as worthy musical offerings. Until then I'm happy to enjoy great entertainment by the Biscuit because 'I HATE NERYS HUGHES' and 'everything's AOR'.
- Ronny B, Usher To The Stars

The Wedding Present -Kentish town Forum 6 April 2005

The Weddoes have been away for 8 years, but I had been away from them for even longer. From the age of 17 to about 21, 22, or from just before Bizarro to just after the singles I would have crawled over broken glass to see them. I often saw them 4 even 5 times on a tour, having my own mini tour of the north of England in the process and so I was certainly looking forward to tonight. The pub in Kentish town where we went before the gig to watch Chelsea against Bayern Munich was full, with everyone talking about the Wedding Present as oppose to the football. The other thing about the people in here was that everyone was old. So much so it even made me feel young.

Back when I was young, David Gedge was the man that made me (not literally) pick up a guitar and start to write songs. I may have wanted to be Jim Reid (not the country one) or Johnny Marr but it seemed like I could be David Gedge. Gedge was un-popstarlike, he didn't seem to be a great singer, or a great guitarist, he didn't drink or smoke or do drugs - very un-cool for a pop star, he probably wasn't that good at football and if the content of his songs was anything to go by he was always getting dumped by girls. But this is where Gedge's genius lies, not getting dumped, but his common touch, his ordinariness. He said in an interview years ago that 'you could be a dust bin man or the prime minister and love and it's ups and downs still affected you in the same way' and he was right. I realised early on in my own song writing that the only really worthwhile things to write about was 'lost loves and small towns' and Gedge did this better than most. He may have seemed like Morrissey's heir apparent but I think his work is a lot more comparable to that of Ray Davies and even with his fixation on Americana he is as English as drizzle.

The venue is sold out and there probably isn't a free babysitter in London tonight. Actually most of these people's kids are probably old enough to look after themselves by now, but when the band take the stage, and David Gedge finally joins them - on last, seemingly milking it, (although I'd like to think he was doings something helpful and that's what took him so long, maybe making post gig sandwiches for the band) the familiar mosh pit of Weddoes gigs re-appears with none of the vigour lost.

The band are tight and fantastic, they cut through a good cross section of new and old material from latest single 'I'm from further North than you ' (surely the best title for a song in years if not ever) way back to 'Once More' a very early single (now found on 'Tommy'). 'The queen of outer space' 'crawl' (My favourite ever weddoes track) and 'Kennedy' which still sounds as great now as it ever did and even the odd 'cinerama song, possible to show that they were a great band and deserved more of a following.
I must have seen The Wedding Present over 20 times over the years, but I have never seen them play a bad song let alone a bad gig and this is no exception.

When Gedge tells the crowd who are shouting for their favourite songs that they can't do all of them as there are about 250 and we'd be here all night, I think everyone there thought like me that that would not be a bad thing. But Gedge is as adamant and obstinate as ever and announces the last song and that 'if you haven't seen us before, but by looking at most of you I doubt that' a good observation of the age of the crowd, 'we don't do encores' (not entirely true as I have seen them do them a long time ago and was actually at the gig where he announced that they would never do one again, although I forget where and when) so after over an hour of fantastic blistering entertainment they are gone leaving everyone there with no doubt that they are back and more important than ever. If only they had decided to play every song.

Paul Burke

Pitch & Putt Archive - Favela Chic.

Favela Chic
No, it’s not the latest fashion trend (‘get that poverty-stricken slum look for just £500!’). But it’s just as jaw-droppingly cynical: a trendy east London bar, the kind of place where raucous people gather to spend their super-size wages on buckets of Beaujolais and gruyere flavour crisps, themed around the Brazilian shantytowns of Rio de Janeiro.
How quaint.
Curiosity drove us one Sunday afternoon to see for ourselves this latest offering in self-conscious east London irony. But to our confusion we found the doors open, the lights on and nobody home.

Except a couple of equally confused young women who seemed hopeful that we might be the people running the show. The pub showed all the evidence of a busy Saturday night: glasses on tables, overflowing ashtrays, discarded and forgotten coats and scarves. But not a person in sight – or so it appeared, until I made the slightly disturbing discovery of a person asleep on a sofa in the corner.
Was this a homeless person? Or perhaps the pub manager? Surely this was taking the whole slum thing a bit too far? Had this place really pursued its own joke with such slavish zeal that it had forgotten it was actually meant to be a London pub?
So anyway, we had a good look around, admired the artfully placed ‘shantytown’ bric-a-brac and the décor, helped ourselves to a bottle of wine from behind the bar, and left.
If you’re taking your Rio Shantytown conceit to such levels, I’m not paying London prices for a bottle of your cheap red. PB

Pitch & Putt Archive - The Pitch & Putt Pitch

The Pitch And Putt Pitch
"Hey! You! Mr. Producer- here' some remakes for ya (seeing as your too busy tooting dust to make something original ya bastard!)."

Kill Roy - A daytime chat show descends into bloody violence. (Contains Chop Sockky).

Yo! Seventh Seal - a modern remake spoken entirely in 'Jive'.

Sleeping With The Bellamy - a steamy sex thriller set in the world of environmentalism.

Lorraine Kelly's Heroes - GMTV presenters and Nazis.

W.H.Smith Goes To Washington - life-affirming political intrigue in the stationery business.

Ice Cold In Alex - life-affirming screwball nercophiliac rom-com.

Dr. Dre-vargo - hip-hop version of the Russian epic.

The Dead Pool - with Michael Barrymore.

Yeast is Yeast - microbrewery capers.

Laurence of Arabica -Technicolor homoerotica set in the coffee business.

Jumble Fever - the W.I. get down in the 'hood'.

Three Colours: Brown - very dull remake.

Heavens, Gates! - being the comedy mishaps of the Microsoft CEO.

The T'ing - West Indian remake of the horror classic.

Shit Cargo! - glossy depression-era set musical in which dazzling cinematography is burdened with the task of carrying the films three woefully untalented co-stars.

The Patient English - a cine-verite treatment of queuing

Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 5

Amelie (2001)

Tuck your napkin in, your about to feast
- Jason 'Voodoo Rea.

Quite simply a delight, one of the best films I've seen, ever, I challenge anyone to watch this and not feel moved. This film is chocked full of brilliant quotes and wonderful understanding of life. "Luck is like the Tour de France, you wait and it flashes past you, you have to catch it while you can" The French do this and we do 4 weddings......erm. magnifique! A film so wonderful it will make you feel a better person afterwards, not many films do that. PB

The Italian Job (2003)
Why?
I finally succumbed to watching this as I had feared that it was yet another mindless remake, butchering yet another great film. Well I'm pleased to say that it isn't. Not quite. Why they called it 'The Italian Job' is beyond me as it bears very little resemblance to the original.
The story is completely different. It has minis (new ones not the originals, how apt), characters called Charlie Croker, Bridger, and a gridlock caused by changing the traffic lights but that's about it. Even the bits in Italy are set in Venice not Turin.
For these reasons I quite enjoyed it, it's not bad. Ed Norton wanders around looking like he's been forced to play a stereotypical baddie, (he was, contractually by the studio, so he subsequently refused to promote it), and I have to question whether Marky Mark has the star quality to play a stand alone lead. Michael Caine he ain't - and I think that that about sums it up. It's not the Italian job, it's a rather pail imitation, not quite a homage, not quite good enough. Nice idea, but watch the original. Now that is brilliant. PB

Bad Boys 2 (2003)

'Woah, cool stuff blows up, woah'. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Bruckheimer comes ever closer in his ultimate goal to make a film a 2 hour trailer of itself. All the stereotypes are here: buddy cops - check, angry boss - check, disregard for rules - check, great scenery - check, beautiful women - check, ruthless criminals - check, fast cars - check, drugs are bad - check, in particular ecstasy, how 1988, Americans hey?
Whilst on the topic of Americans it's the nasty anti-Cuban sentiments that spoil this film. It bobs along nicely asking nothing of you but clap at the explosions then it comes down with all the lack of subtlety of say, a Bruckheimer film for example of aren't Cubans evil. This culminates in a final scene at Guantanamo Bay, yes that's the place in Cuba that America takes people without a trial and locks them up with no reason and keeps them there indefinitely contradicting all human rights.
But you see that's Ok as it's done by Americans and they're the heroes and they Police the world and they're only looking after our best interests. If they want to show real heroes then maybe they should do a film about people that are trying to campaign to get people out of these prisons and back to there loved ones.
We here at Pitch and Putt are big fans of El Presidente and say don't, I say, don't - don't - don't - believe - the- hype, in fact don't bother with this nasty piece of mindless brain candy that turns into more filthy untrue propaganda. You can do better; watch paint dry. PB

Equilibrium (2002)
A Pitch and Putt 'I watched 10 minutes of this and went and did something more interesting instead' review.
The plot: in the future we are bored in to submission, I acquiesced.

To prepare. You will need 1 rugged Sheffield actor. One son of Dr Who And one American Psycho.
Take a Fahrenheit 451, mix in a slice of Logan's Run, add to a large 1984.
Bring to the boil, then add a portion of Brave New World, sprinkle heavily with The Matrix. Serve lukewarm.
Leave.
PB
War of the Worlds (2005)
Spring is the same for everyone and famous directors are no exception to the rule of cleaning. As such Mr. Spielberg is on an enforced clean of the house by 'her in doors' stumbles across a piece of paper he thought long lost.
His 'how to make a successful film' sheet, scribbled on the back of a beer mat.
" Show breakdown of the nuclear family that is resolved in the face of overwhelming odds. "

Aliens - cute or dangerous - alternate for effect!

" Set it in 50's America, or something resembling that, to re address the core family values. "

Show innocence in face of terror - through the eyes of a small child, girl, blonde ideally, signifying most innocence per square inch. Get to scream a lot, like audience!

" Main character finds inner strength to be hero through massive adversity, overcoming through struggle. "

Blow stuff up.

With found sheet safely in grasp Mr. S sets off to follow old pattern and make great Spielberg film. Overall - Spielberg does Spielberg better than anyone, and he doesn't even have to feel the need to explain the plot to the audience every 5 minutes for once, which is a blessing. Although I think there may be a few people who didn't follow the ending.
For those people the tiny things they show that defeats the aliens, that's tiny particles of Tom Cruises sweat. Look out for DVD extras- They include shots of the Aliens trying to take over Britain and failing miserably after being taunted mercilessly as 'soft' and 'yer green Bastards' and made to drink strong continental lager. PB

Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 4 Star Crash & The Humanoid




Star Crash (1979) & The Humanoid (1979)


So, seasonal affective disorder is kicking in, your feeling suicidal and in need of a good laugh - if you can track them down (try a car boot sale or a charity shop), then these two gems should have you laughing all the way to the Leeds in no time.
Actually, you'll be laughing at them, not with them or even towards them, as this brace of Star Wars rip off's are pretty damn terrible. Cheesoid special 'FX', risible dialogue and incomprehensible plots make this double bill quite a treat. Star Crash, boasts non other than Christopher Plummer and Bond Bird Caroline Munroe (whose character is called 'Stella Star'!) and (lol) David Hasslehoff while The Humanoid stars more Bond cast off's in the shape of Barbara Bach and man giant Richard Kiel with music by non other than Ennio Morricone (for shame!)
Here's the 'plot' for The Humanoid (which I've shamelessly stolen)
Plot: Lord Graal, the evil brother of the Great Brother who rules Metropolis (as Earth is now known), escapes from exile. He steals the substance Capitron from a research institute and fires it at the spaceship of the peaceful police inspector Golob, mutating him into a super-strong humanoid that is invulnerable to all firepower. Graal then places a control device on Golob's forehead and sends him to kill The Great Brother.
- get the gist? No me neither. There's also some creepy Asian kid with psychic powers, and a crappy robot 'dog' that's obviously supposed to be R2-D2. The only decent thing is the out door sets, that look quite groovy in a Tatooine 'desert planet' kind of way.
And the dialogue is a treat, check this from Richard Kiel …." Where in the Cosmos did that space jockey get his licence?"- Eh?
I can't think of any excuse as to why Star Crash is so bad, unless it was made by children. Munroe's co-star, Akton (isn't that in London?) looks like Geddy Lee, and there's a pain the arse robot called L.
Chris Plummer looks like he's been kidnapped and drugged in order to spout the awful dialogue, until you realise he's actually trying to act well. JC

Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 3


Meet The Feebles (1989)


...more like Meet Your Childhood Demons… Not an easy film by any stroke of the imagination. A film directed by the man that somehow made the transition from B movie gore filth 'Brain Dead' via MTF's to possibly the biggest high budget movie series ever. 'Lord of the Rings'. MTF is the story of …….well a cabaret show looking to make it big by producing a hit performance that will ensure them a TV network syndication. The characters in this film have been likened to The Muppets taking acid. Although I have never seen a Muppet take acid, having watched this film I have seen a frog injecting heroin, a walrus fucking a cat, a cow in a bondage suit (will all the teat piercing) and a female hippo with enormous breast running amok with an M60 machine gun. Jackson has redefined poor taste by filming scenes with 'Muppet' type puppets that would never, ever, be passed by censors if this were to include human beings. Jackson savagely attacks and perfectly captures the world of the 'stage.' No one is spared, from the camp theatrically obsessed director (a fox whose crowning 'glory' is the sodomy song…) the brutal and merciless producer ( a walrus with an insatiable sexual appetite) right down to the variety hack (quite literally a fly on the wall, captured perfectly gorging on a lumpy shit floating in the toilet.) The characters are savage, morbid, tragic and vile - and yet somehow depicted with a Henson like humanity that will leave you very, very, very disturbed. Make time for this film, but prepare to be traumatised. - Jason Rea.
Dreamcatcher (2003)
Starring: Morgan Freeman, Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant It was one of them Blockbuster moments you have with your girlfriend, "you pick a film". - " no you pick, I picked last time". " I'm not bothered, you pick something". Truth is I'd seen most of the good stuff, and being a little hung over wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, and besides, we usually did end up picking something I wanted to see. So, not wanting things to escalate I picked up Dreamcatcher out of desperation because she'd started reading the back of 'Love Actually'.
I'll have to admit I didn't have a clue about Dreamcatcher, it had gone completely un-noticed by my film radar, so I thought 'what the fuck, I'll give it a day in court'. So it was something of a surprise when I popped the disk into the machine and realised that this was a Stephen King adaptation (are people still fool enough to make Stephen King films?), but it had Morgan Freeman in it, and he'd never lend his skills to a shoddy production would he? It started off fine, with quite a good premise - 4 old school buds who all have a telepathic 'gift', which they use in their current careers as car sales men and psychiatrists and, erm university lecturers. That's when the alarm bells rang. Don't trust a Stephen King story that starts off good, he'll only ruin it by going all weird!
Needless to say that's exactly what happened, after half an hour the plot descended into one of the cheesiest B-movies I'd seen in years. Complete hokum: aliens, monsters, cheesy 'FX'- the lot. The dialogue was awful and the acting bad. Morgan Freeman mustn't have read past page 5 of the script. And hang on, this looks familiar: a bunch of characters who share a 'secret from the past' ( "It"), scenes of school kids wandering down a railway line ('Stand By Me'), ands the fate of the world resting in the hands of the most unlikely character ("The Stand").
Now I'm no expert on King's oeuvre, so there must be some more stuff I missed. To be fair, King admits (in one of the DVD extras), that he wrote this whilst he was recovering from being run over, and I haven't read the book, but…. The script was co-penned by William Goldman and Lawrence Kasdan (who also directs) who between them have brought us Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi (Kasdan) and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Marathon Man and A Bridge Too Far (Goldman). Tut, fucking tut. A good laugh, but wait till it crops up on channel 5. JC
Virus: Night Of The Zombies (1981)
...aka Inferno Dei Morti-Viventi, aka Cannibal Virus, aka Hell of the Living Dead, aka Zombie Creeping Flesh, aka Zombie Inferno, aka Zombie of the Savanna, aka A Steaming Pile O' Crap.
Italy / Spain Directed by: Vincent Dawn (Bruno Mattei) Starring: Zantoro........FRANK GARFIELD Lia Rousseau........MARGRIT NEWTON Lt. Mike London........SELAN KARAY
This is a real treat for schlock horror aficionado's and as you can tell by its many different names it has been repackaged and re-released numerous times , probably because the release rights where sold for 50p (and they still made money after production costs!), however this overwhelming cheapness does give the film the look of a serial killers home movie, which adds, somewhat, to the over-all experience.
The plot, from what I can decipher (and it is dubbed into English), revolves around a bunch of scientists doing some experiments; something goes awry and everyone turns into Zombies! Then there's a bit with some terrorists who get blown away by the shonkyest looking S.W.A.T. team ever, ( Dialogue: "Don't get your balls wasted"??).
Next thing we know the S.W.A.T. team are in Papua New Guinea, for some reason, and there's Zombies! here too. They meet a reporter and her photographer, who bears an uncanny resemblance to George A. Romero (coinci-dink??). They all team up and bump into some stock footage of Natives and Monkeys and stuff. The reporter says she's lived with the natives and knows how to 'mingle', so she gets her tits out, paints her face and goes for a wander. She comes across a village filled with stock footage of REAL corpses, dancing tribe folk, some animal being eviscerated, more dancing, corpses and monkeys and even, in a bit of blatant editing manipulation, a local woman apparently eating maggots from a rotting skull.
She gets back to her chums, puts her tits away and everyone gets eaten by Zombies!
The End.
That's it, honest! Go buy/download it if you don't believe me. Oh, the music's ok, by Italian horror soundtrack perennials 'Goblin'.
In a word: Repugnant. JC

Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 2 Clash Of Warlords

Clash Of Warlords (????)

Not to be confused with Zhou Yu's Chinese Epic of the same name, (in fact not to be confused with any film ever made), this is one of those truly great video's that I urge you to buy if ever you see it. I can't tell you anything about who directed it, what year it was made (late 70's or 80's), or even were it was made, as there are no credits. Its most definitely 'foreign' but it's probably Asian or South American. The 'story' line is pretty much indecipherable, but it's a sort of Star Wars / Mad Max affair, replete with the crummiest 'light sabre's' in history and 'battle tanks' that look like shopping trolleys with card board tubes attached. I promise you'll be paralysed by its shitness, but trust me this has to be seen to be believed. At one point the Villain (your standard Vader-esque evil dooer in mask and cape), is tied to a stake, at night, (I think the Moon gives him powers or something), anyway, he starts to spaz out, crying:


"The Moon! Give it to me…. I'll cover it…. I'll cover it in Blood!"


Watching this are two Guards who observe….

Guard #1 "He's crazy"

Guard #2 "He ain't crazy, he's insane"

Guard #1 "He should be in a cage"


A Masterpiece. JC












Pitch & Putt Archives- Movie Reviews part 1

Old School (2004)
If you where to set up two TV’s and watch ‘Animal House’ on one and Rodney Dangerfield’s ‘Back To School’ on the other at the same time you’d be watching ‘Old School’ – it’s actually genuinely funny. Look out for the ‘Fight Club’ references. Jocks. JC

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)
Utterly brilliant from start to finish, I urge every single one of you to watch this masterpiece. Look, its by Charlie Kaufman, (he wrote Being John Malkovich), so you KNOW its going to be great. “But it’s got Jim ‘The Grinch’ Carrey in it” I hear you bleat - yes but he redeems himself in this and can no longer be called the ‘new Robin Williams’. Look just watch it, now. Spotless. JC

Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005)

After one too many ‘Scary Movies’ and even a ‘Date Movie’ it’s only a matter of time before we’ll get a ‘DVD Movie’ - which will consist of 90 minutes of fart noises and Carmen Electra’s Jigglin’Titties. Thank frig then for Miranda July’s debut feature “Me and You and Everyone We Know”, a refreshing lung full of pure originality amongst the cloying froust of banality currently on offer. Pitching up somewhere between a Wes Anderson film and, say ‘Punch Drunk Love’, ‘Me You…” is a story about relationships and people of all ages trying to make connections in a modern world and took some flack on its release for daring to suggest that its not just people between 16-45 that think about sex, whilst at the same time having a bit of a dig at the world of CONceptual ‘art’. Brilliantly funny and touching, leave Big Mommas House on the shelf and go rent this. JC

Good Night and Good Luck (2005)
Yeah and you'll need it, whilst GN&GL is well made, it's well shot, it's nicely put together it's, it's well, it's BORING!!!!! The film is set within the working environment of a TV station and there is no external factors taken into account, as such there is no real back story to the film, it jumps into the plot straightaway without there being any explanation of the rationale for what is taking place. Whilst I understand and know the basics of the Communist witch hunts of the 50's and it makes a welcome change for a Hollywood film not to be spoon feeding me the story every 5 minutes, the problems is that what is this really saying? That the current political climate in America is as oppressive as the one when this film is set? For this reason GN&GL is a well made and important film to highlight the failings within American society but at the end of the day I'm afraid the bottom line seems to be that America is run in a self generated state of fear now with the 'threat' being from the middle east and not from Communists but at the end of the day whilst this is very true and very important and brave to highlight this it's also just a bit dull. To the extent that by the time the reason that we are told why two of the characters are hiding the fact of their marriage I didn't care. I can't say much more from that point on as I'd had enough and said good night to this very slow moving beast, the good luck is to anyone tackling it. Important but dull, like a dictionary. PB

Bubba Ho-Tep (2004)

Directed by Don Coscarelli, (‘Beastmaster’), and starring Bruce Campbell, (‘Evil Dead’), Bubba Ho- Tep is the ‘true’ story of what happened to Elvis after he ‘died’ – he ended up in an old people’s home with JFK (who was ‘dyed’ black to disguise his appearance), fighting 3000 year old Egyptian Mummies. Sounds great doesn’t it? Thing is, this film is an adaptation of a Joe R. Lansdale short story and in the hands of a schlock meister like Coscarelli all you get is, well schlock. Ok, Campbell is great as The King but the film is slow, slow slow, and cheap? For a film released in 2004 it’s incredibly badly made- oh, what’s that? Its ‘ironic’? Hmmmm. Unfunny, dull and comes across like a ‘student’ film. Avoid JC

DJ Chill Collinz 1

DJ Chill Collinz is a nom de plume dreamt up by Ricc Terranova and used by me when ever I do compilation CD's for nearest and dearest. Here's the track listings of some of them for you to enjoy, or maybe even re-create.

All These Bands Sound The Bloody SameDJ Chill Collinz 2006

  1. Northside – Shall We Take A Trip?
  2. Being 747 – DIY Prescriptions
  3. Belle And Sebastian – Another Sunny Day
  4. The Black Spots - Take A Sound
  5. Blue Cheer- Summer Time Blues
  6. Captain Beefheart – Kandy Korn
  7. Dizzy Rascal – Fix Up Look Sharp
  8. Francoise Hardy – Comment Te Dire Adieu
  9. Gal Costa – Tuareg
  10. Hoyt Axton- Della And The Dealer
  11. Django Reinhardt- Minor Swing
  12. Mountain- Mississippi Queen
  13. Nancy Sinatra - Sugar Town
  14. Easy E - Put It In Your Mouth
  15. Petula Clarke - Have Another Dream On Me
  16. Rita Lee - Amor Branco E Preto
  17. Rita Lee – Frique Comingo
  18. Rogerio Duprat – Judy In Disguise
  19. The Divine Comedy –No One Knows
  20. The White Stripes – Blue Orchid
  21. Tom Ze- Jimmy Renda-Se
  22. Two Gallants – Steady Rollin
  23. Willie Nelson – Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain
  24. Ulysses 31 –Theme Tune

Cat Food Con

We’ve got two cats (Mo & Herb) and I normally feed them tins of Whiskas, but the other day, as a ‘treat’ we decided to get them some of those fancy new ‘pouches’, under the assumption that the food contained in the fancy astronaut food style silver foil bags would somehow be superior in flavour and nutrition to the old fashion tin o’ meat. Now I’m really fond of my two kitties and would only want the best for them (short of cooking them chicken dinners everyday, unless they want to start paying board, which they can't- they’re cats- so they can fuck off and have what they’re given), but when I realised that it was costing us twice as much to feed them as it did with the tins I had a close look at the ingredients on both tin and pouch and lo and behold- they are Exactly The Same. Same amount of actual meat (a measly 4%, about the same as your average economy ‘burger’), same amount of Vitamins and even the same levels of ‘Ash’ (!). So be warned, don’t be fooled by fancy future-world packaging.

Nazi Pubs and the Smoking Ban

It’s been a long time since I’ve been for a drink in the Wyre Lounge, the bar at the Marine Hall on Fleetwood’s seafront, except for the yearly Beer Festival. I soon discovered that what was once an innocuous unassuming bar, famed for always having a great choice of real ales with excellent views across Morecambe Bay and a friendly welcoming atmosphere, had transformed into a fascist totalitarian nightmare. Everywhere you look are signs forbidding this and warning against that; No one under 18 allowed. No glasses Beyond This Point, No Drugs, No Smoking, Signs For Pub Watch (kick off in this bar and get ‘barred’ (get it), from all the other pubs in the area), signs telling the customers they have 20 minutes to finish drinking after the last bell or they will be shot and even one behind the bar telling punters (and I’m paraphrasing here) “ No you can’t have a glass of free tap water, we don’t care if your driving and we’ve decided to ignore the advice about alternating between soft and alcoholic drinks- but we can SELL you bottled water” – which I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to do. So what happened to friendly welcoming pubs -places you could go to have a laugh and a drink?

Or is this just another example of Bastard Britain?

On the subject of Bastard Britain when I was out on Saturday night the main topic of conversation seemed to be about the recent smoking ban and the conclusions are:

  1. It’s ruined the country.
  2. The pubs may now be froust free but this just means you can now smell everything else, from sweaty punters, greasy kitchens to pissy toilets.
  3. Standing out in the street you’re more likely to get tapped up for a fag by some scavvy, sponging beggar-man cunt.

On the plus side you do get to chat to people you probably wouldn’t normally speak to, mostly in order to whinge about the smoking ban.

Be warned - it’ll be alcohol next in Browns Bastard Britain.

Music Reviews

Here's some old music reviews I did for garageband.com a while back...



Penguin and Fox by The Magistrates

Super Bonkers
Achtung! 80’s Electronica! Look out Barney The Dinosaur’s on Crystal Meth and he’s coming round to play-ayyy so hide the Casio’s and the vodka. This is great- Beta Band, Eels type vocals with a hint of early O.M.D. and J-Pop synths and the sound of Manic Miner loading from cassette to your ZX-Spectrum at the end. All round super happy mentalism for crack babies. Love it!



Damn by Marshall Marshall

Its 4 a.m. and you’ve just finished the last drop of drink and smoked your last cig. You’re staring at the clock thinking of ‘what could have been’ … you play this song and realise ‘things can never be that bad, there’s always something good on the horizon’….
I REALLY liked this one, very moving and very uplifting despite its' haunting air of melancholy. If you write songs, this is one of those that you wish you’d written yourself. Brilliant lyrics and great piano and fantastic arranging.


streaks by warren steele stylee w/ the strung-out orchestra

Badlands Bossanova.
Out in the Peyote Nightmare Desert, where only the bad souls roam, the air is filled with strange noises. Tibetan Throat Singers serenade the spirits of the damned to whiskey bottle percussion. Tom Waits is there, and so is Can. They’re sharing cigarettes and waiting for the sun to rise, but deep down they know, it never will.

were ive been by mrliverfist
Dalek Disco!
A giddy post-apocalyptic industrial nursery rhyme of a song, some great ideas, but could do with some more, great effects but can’t quite make out the lyrics, although it sounds so unsettling I’m not sure I want to know what's being sung about. Loved the vibrato guitar and the backing vocals that sound like some one falling off a cliff. One minute fifty five of sheer demented joy. Disturbing!

Chapter 2... by The Butcher Bill
Frantic Jazz Fingers
Some excellent playing here- frantic Jazz bass and great drumming but unfortunately I found this a tiny bit dull after seven and a half minutes. If you like King Crimson then this would be right up your boulevard - definitely a band for musicians who can marvel at the proficiency of the playing, but not much else to hold your interest – if you like this sort of thing, you’ll love it.

Mosquito by Tapwater
Pienso que beben a las audiencias?
It’s party time at the Back Packers Hostel (hey, it’s ALWAYS party time at the Back Packers Hostel), you’ve been out in the sun all day, your skin’s lobster red and your head feels like a boil in the bag vindaloo. You’ve been drinking since dawn and you’ve only been sick twice. You return to the strains of a live band and the sound of a hundred or so fellow travellers having the time of their lives. ‘I Think The Mosquito’s Are Drunk…’ sings the band, and everyone else is too. After the gig you and your mates stumble back to your bunks singing this song as loud as you can and for years to come when ever you get together to reminisce about your travelling days one of you will start to sing ‘I Think The Mosquito’s Are Drunk…’ and it all comes flooding back….

This Mid tempo pogues-esque ska shanty has all the makings of a great party song, memorable lyrics with a simple catchy melody and a good use of the brass section. Probably more of a ‘live’ tune rather than something you’d sit and listen too at home -it would be hard to sit still to it anyway. Excelente!



Vendetta by Chicken Poodle Soup
Pogo-A-Go-Go!
There comes a time in every young music fans life when they first hear a tune that just sends them into a frenzy. Usually it’s after they’ve had far to much homebrew cider and amphetamines. The song grabs them by the loins, pulls them to their feet and sends them bouncing round their bedroom smashing everything in sight in an orgy of adolescent destruction. This is one of them songs. I challenge anyone to hear this and not, at the very least, tap their foot, bob their head or pogo through the ceiling.
There sounds like two singers here, sharing lines (musical ones), and that’s a nice touch you don’t hear very often, the vocals and lyrics aren’t super strong but I don’t think that matters as its all about energy and there’s bin bags full of it here. The drumming is excellent with good use of tempo changes and some great horns too, I bet these are a great band to see live, especially in a small venue. The productions a little muddy and I would have liked the chorus to be repeated to the end, but apart from that it’s a great track. Who fancies some homebrew?




Movin' In by Growing Old Disgracefully

Ha Ha Ha. I Don't Get It.
The genius of the blues lies in its 4 bar simplicity. Like Punk, it offers the opportunity for just about anybody to be able to make music and express themselves. The downside to this is that it OFFERS THE OPPORTUNITY FOR JUST ABOUT ANYBODY TO BE ABLE TO MAKE MUSIC AND EXPRESS THEMSELVES. As this song clearly indicates. If five drunk business men got their hands on some instruments and started trying to play ‘The Blues’- it would sound like this, awful awful generic Blues Schlock you’ve heard a zillion times before, except the lyrics- the singer sounds like he’s making the lyrics up as he goes along, randomly spouting any old guff in a cod ‘southern drawl’. Maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe this is a comedy song? It’s like something from South Park. Ok the playing isn’t bad, everything’s in tune and in time but its just horrible. Unless it’s a joke. In which case its genius.



Why by The Traveler
RAWK!
Perched atop a rugged mountain somewhere near the Grand Canyon is a band. We sweep past them in our helicopter (we’re filming the video and no expense has been spared, oh and its sometime in the mid to late 80’s), the band are all in their mid 40’s; long hair greying a bit, their still toned arms looking a little leathery under the ripped white vests, they’re all wearing cowboy boots and jeans (except the bass player who still insists on spandex), the drummer twirls his sticks in the air -behind him is a gong (he’ll set this on fire later). The singer grips an American flag in his fist and looks earnest and the video will feature shots of Eagles, scorpions and rattle snakes…..


Good intro, got a early seventies Rolling Stones feel to it… but then the vocals kick in, ‘gravely’s’ not quite the word, more ‘pebble dashed’. The lead guitar is ok, and I liked the solo – (think Dave Gilmour of Pink Floyd), but its just not long enough, just as it gets good the song drops down and those vocals (eeek) start again. About 20 years out of date.



oasis in space by visiongenre
Early Morning Music?
Fast forward 40 years to the ‘Dunsniffin’ rest home for retired Punks and sat on the stoop you’ll find some wrinkly old timers who used to be Greenday. They’ve still got it, even if it’s a little creaky….. I liked this tune; there’s a laid back toe tappin county fried jug band feel to it, but that’s not to say it’s old fashioned, as it’s as fresh as tomorrow, not ultra catchy but still uplifting and positive- it would make a great end credits song to movie about a bank robbery that goes all wrong but ‘they get away with it in the end’ (think ‘Kelly’s Hero’s’ or ’The Italian Job’). The production is nice and clean and the arrangements good and sparse so you can hear what’s going on, I really liked the subtle organ parts ( very much like Bob Dylan’s ‘Rolling Stone’), and the acoustic guitar was great. The singing’s good, though a tad ‘Crash Test Dummies’ in parts and my only gripe is there’s too many words and not enough hooks –I kept waiting for the song to soar off into the stratosphere with a key change or a big chorus, but all in all a good strong piece of work.








Rubbish!

Lets face it- TV nowadays if for Idiots. Even if you already possess a modicum of sentience even the slightest exposure to Ant and Dec’s smug leering visages would be enough turn you into a drooling incontinent whelk-like blob. Once challenging programmes like Horizon now have dramatic background music intended to highlight the REALLY IMPORTANT BITS probably because true facts, no matter how amazing, are deemed ‘boring’. And why do all historical documentaries now have to be bloody ‘dramatised’ – I don’t want to see an ‘interpretation’ of what happened- I want to see cool old photo’s, wood carving’s and shit. And don’t get me started on those Walking With Imaginary Computer Generated Dinosaurs etc. that where everywhere a couple of years ago. They should have been broadcast with a disclaimer telling the viewers that. “ We Are Making This Up- There’s No Way We Could Possibly Know What A Diplodocus Smelt Like. Think About It! How Could We?” Or better still constantly have the words ‘Not Fact’ flash on the screen at increasingly shorter intervals until it becomes a shimmering seizure educing blur.

With this in mind why not actually broadcast programmes that dare to be informative. Call it IntelligentTV. Get all those old Open University programmes that have been gathering dust and just re-run them. That’s Infotainment*.







* Having just typed the word “infotainment” in Word I’ve just noticed the lack of a red line underneath it telling me to ‘stop pissing about using made-up words’. So ‘infotainment’ is actually a word these days? And I was being facetious.



Green Idea

Green idea- Make cigarette butts edible to pigeons- they’ll soon become addicted and clean up the streets. The inevitable cancer would also act as population control.

Drive In Saturday at Westcoast Rock Cafe

Drive In Saturday - Club Above at West Coast Rock June 9th 2007 feat. Sinister Footwear & Citizen Band.